Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
