Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
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