Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
