i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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