somebody snuck up and got me drunk
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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