I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
