Pants 0. Shit 1.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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