ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
how drunk are you?
Several
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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