Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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