I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
