CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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