trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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