you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
