apparently the secret to your success is patron
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
