I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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