I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
