Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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