dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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