Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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