when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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