so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Let's get the cat blown out
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
