Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
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I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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