so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
