I puked a lego.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
