got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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