imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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