Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
God, I missed his penis.
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