The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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