Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
