i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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