I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
