i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
