So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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