and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
