Michael Bay diarrhea
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
