If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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