do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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