i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
