Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
