she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
