I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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