trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
