if you like me you must not know who I am
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think I just sharted jello shots
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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