i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
