She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
