Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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