i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
