girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
