Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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