I accidentally had phone sex last night
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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