a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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