90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
