I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
