im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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