I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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