so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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