just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
