Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
