I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Me too!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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