i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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