We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
