Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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