I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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