Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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